THICK AS A PRANK

The other day I was sitting in the car on a hot day, minding my own business near the Emirates stadium, home of the Arsenal. The window was wound down and the atmosphere was mellow with families visiting the stadium and a general good feeling in the air that you get when the team yiu support has just won the league.

You could smell the jerk chicken from the nearby restaurant , and sense the unity of the throng.

I noticed a group of three youths, yes they were boisterous and loud but they seemed to be enjoying themselves. As they passed by one of them suddenly reached for the door handle and to my surprise opened the door. He accompanied this by saying "Get Out Of The Car?!"

My response was to issue a loud "F8@k Off" and to slam the door shut. This led to the youths walking away.

Now, for me this was rather unexpected and I would suggest that on opening the door and gauging my height and size and general demeanour that the young man in question may have had second thoughts, but, and here's the thing, what if the car door chosen to open had been that of a vulnerable person? What if this act of aggression, in broad daylight, had frightened somebody out of their wits?

Whether this was an example of a modern day 'prank'  (remember Happy Slapping and jovial home invasions?) seen on Tik Tok or any of the lowest common denominator social media sites remains to be seen, but I hope it isn't just the latest craze carried out by people who, frankly couldn't care a jot about others, people that have zero empathy.

Pranks used to be the forte of Jeremy Beadle and they weren't threatening just mildly embarassing, now they are hateful internet memes

Now I am a big boy and this experience is pretty much water off a duck's back as I have rarely if ever, been targeted in this manner, but it's another example of a kind of need to be doing something that draws attention, a need to be performative a need to, for want of a better word, show off.

PEPSI v COKE

 

Nike is to Adidas what Pepsi is to Coca-Cola. The reason I say this is that the current World Cup has crystalised my theory. Nowhere is that more evident than in the respective big TV commercials for each brand.

Adidas focusses on past legends of the game and ordinary street footballers whereas Nike go full superstar. The thing is that most of Nike's players are egotistical popinjays more about themselves than the team and the way in which this advert is put together gives each of the an opportunity to be performative, arrogant and far from self depreciating. Now footballers that reach their level of success have to, by definition, have a degree of confidence bordering on arrogance but there are levels.

The Nike strategy has always been about targeting the slightly rebellious athlete and as times have changed those rebels are now rebel-by-numbers.

The Adidas model is more classic in approach drawing on the brand's history which goes back to 1949 and is very much a European brand whereas Nike came along much later in 1964 and is inextricably linked with The USA.

One brand is subtle while the other is showy, the trefoil out styles the Swoosh and adidas' links to music and street culture surpasses Nikes.

But its about choice and both brands provide plenty of that, I just think it's preferable to wear the brand that the once humble Messi endorses as opposed to the brand that the arch egotist Ronaldo typifies.

WORLD CRAP FINAL

 

The Bishop of Bland Chris Martin, The Muppets and "The Children Of The World" delivered a toe curling and trite sub-Michael Jackson at his most indulgent, performance at the Super Bowl World Cup Final Half Time Show.

A wax works like Madonna flanked by what appeared to be Ali-G and Harvey Price were also in the mix alongside some blokes faffing about on stage and the yodelling inanity of the mystifyingly popular Shakira.

Add to that the "Let's get Ready To Rumble" guy being outdone by his Latin American counterpart and Infantino's white trainers and suit combination bookmarking the game, and you have a spectacle for the ages.

The Septics simply don't do restraint or subtlety and it was clear that they seriously misjudged the public's appetite for vapid elevator music and cringe inducing performances that offer nothing new.

And as if that wasn't enough we had the BBC's latest commercial justifying the license fee to contend with. A blitzkrieg of vanity and inanity featuring the now ubiquitous Romesh Ranganathan

It was one of those nights when I half expected a comet to hit the earth hurling us all into a new ice age, and it would have been well deserved.

All of this remarkably, actually took the focus away from the orange tyrant who was booed on entering the field of play to hand out medals to both sets of players who probably think the same about him as most sane people 

The game itself? Spain's victory was well deserved as they were far superior to Argentina in every conceivable category (including sportsmanship) and in the end I think overall football was the winner of this contentious tournament.

The one person who quite possibly summed up all the extraneous bits of American showbiz on display was Wayne Rooney when asked about the half time show; "I thought it was crap" Well said Wazza

ENGLAND HOME OR AWAY

Tonight it's England v Argentina. A classic World Cup match up in Atlanta Stadium and of course there will be recollections of the match in the iconic  Estadio Azteka, between these two protagonists when Diego Maradona scored 'those' goals

For some there is a decision to be made  whether to go out to watch it and join fellow fans in celebration or commiseration or to stay at home and be accompanied by the pundits of the BBC. To help you make that decision here are the negatives about going out to watch the World Cup:

Performative Plastic Pint Throwing . Absolutely moronic behaviour. Buying an over priced pint and then throwing it in the air to drench other people that may not want to be drenched is simply idiotic. I wish they would stop

Sweet Caroline blaring out at full volume. A song that is ubiquitous and need not be repeated

Communal singing of Wonder Wall. A song that is ubiquitous and need not be repeated

Filming the game on the big screen with your phone. Why?

Pre booking tables in pubs. This should not be encouraged. Pub rules say "first come, first served"

Endless betting company adverts. On the screen, on the wall on beer mats in the toilets.

Face paint. Yes, call me curmudgeonly but face paint should be reserved for children's parties 

Plastic glasses instead of glass. Regular who visit the pub or bar suddenly have to put u with plastic glasses that make the drinking experience unpleasant

Increased pricing on a game night. A liberty, but when you have a captive audience you can take liberties if you are driven by commerce

Smoke flares. They contaminate ones clothes for days

Loud “experts” loudly giving their loud expert opinions to anyone who will listen, or anyone who doesn't want to listen for that matter

Couples taking up valuable seating space while nursing a coke and tap water for two hours

Staying in? sounds good now doesn't it?

ARGUING IN AN EMPTY ROOM

 

If you say it is so, it is so. If you say it's bad, it's bad. If you say up is down and down is up, you're right.

An opinion, in the modern communication landscape, is now a fact, a fact that will be defended and argued about with no room for compromise. It's that sort of thing that is standard when discussing faith with many people; their view is embedded, but that's quite a deep and personal issue. The problem is that being entrenched is something of a default these days over the most trivial of things.

Example: I overheard a man in the pub the other day being asked if he had been in the previous night having an argument which he swore he hadn't, but that was not good enough for the questioner, he was adamant that it was him, and round and round they went. They were still at it when I left.

Then there is the case of when I know for a fact that a certain film starred a certain actor and the person who asked me about said film is convinced that I am wrong. It's not abut takig someone's word about it, its about being incapable of saying "Oh, I must be wrong then, thanks for clearing that up". Oh no, why agree when you can argue!

Naturally, Social media is the Ground Zero of arguing about opinions, its not only the Ground Zero, its the Eye Of The Hurricane it's the Monty Python Argument sketch of arguing.

Opinions aren't facts necessarily, that's simple enough isn't it? We are all entitled to our opinions from sensible to downright inane and healthy discourse is exactly what it says it is; healthy, but when we as a species cannot reach accord, use empathy or simply agree to disagree then we are in trouble, and maybe because there is so much information that can be accessed everyone thinks they're an expert.

The irony is that generally the louder the discourse the less the speaker has to say that has any meaning. Then again, maybe I'm just too old for arguing.

LISTENING KILLS

Don't be fooled by "them". As a group them want to alienate and judge, them want to marginalise and create division

Don't place any great stock in "they", they have a lot to say and they say it loudly whilst drawing the most attention to themselves.

Don't listen to "apparently" because apparently can never be trusted as far as the truth is concerned.

Beware of "I Heard", I heard usually means from a source ten times removed.

Ignore "No offence" no offence generally means, "I am going to offend you". No offence says "I'm going to say something unpalatable

Say no to "can I get?" because it is a question that is an Americanism we should not put up with. You can't get, you can ask "may I have?" got it?

Don't tolerate "like". Like is the new "erm", it's infiltrated all forms of verbal communication, it's insidious and above all annoying in it's repetition. It may be America's worst ever import and it's been absorbed into the collective psyche to such an extent I find myself bombarded with "like" on a daily basis. Overheard conversations are now punctuated by "likes" that, once heard, gnaw away at you as if an avaricious rodent

Language is beautiful, florid and allows us to communicate all sorts of ideas and emotions so let's not allow it to be hijacked by blunt and lazy vocabulary that makes us dumber rather than more expansive.

MAXIMUM PLEASURE GUARANTEED

 

It is seldom that there is a TV show that surprises me. I am often told that I can always tell what is going to happen. Maybe that's due to exposure to many shows where the obvious is blindingly obvious.

A  notable exception to the rule is Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed currently showing on Apple TV. Episode seven aired yesterday and I am enjoying the weekly nature of the show as rather than binging it one has to wait a week to catch up with events.

The title is somewhat misleading, but that's a good thing as it leads the viewer down one path only to be diverted at a number of crossroads.

The lead character is remarkably human and is struggling with the day to day through various means. Her ex husband is played with great obnoxiousness (if that's a word) as a bitter ex-partner and his new wife is exactly the type of too nice and understanding to be true, you would expect.

The Lead detective is unlike any lead detective we've seen before and the villain of the piece is splendidly psychotic. But, and here's the thing, everything is not exactly what it seems.

I won't give too much way as I am hopeful that you will start watching this remarkably entertaining show.

It's strength is it's character development within the unfolding circumstances. Yes, there is a big slice of suspension of disbelief in how things unravel, but that was good enough for Hitchcock.

Bring up a child, Gen Z co workers, sex workers and mysterious conspirators all play a part in weaving this twisty tale and the way in which those characters are written makes them very much three dimensional

In a strong year for streaming shows including The Beauty, Margo's Got Money Troubles, Cape Fear, A Thousand Blows, Alien Earth, Beef, Legends, Spider Noir, The Boys, Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed is the most suprising. I highly recommend that you watch it, but, a word of caution, "trust no one"

BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY

 

Keir Starmer's resignation is one of those moments that will be reflected on in the future and commented on with the words "why?

It's a clear case of misinformation and rhetoric that, if said loudly and frequently enough, seeps into the nations consciousness as fact, when it clearly isn't.

Starmer's tenure when analysed dispassionately was not a disaster as the right leaning media voices are saying it was. In fact after years and years of Conservative government having their palms greased by millionaires the country was in a precarious state; which in turn has lead to the slow rise of the right.

Starmer had an uphill struggle but all the negativity fed to the populace just does not match up to reality.

The witch hunt of Angela Rayner pretty much sums up the bias and bile directed at the government and maybe Starmer has just had enough. What is clear is that we, the British public cannot allow this moment to be used as propaganda by Farage and his despicable minions, we need to stop them by any means necessary 

Driving out Labour PM's is a pastime it seems and if one looks deeper it is clear why.

Whoever takes the helm in the shorter turn will need very thick skin as I can see no let up in the press, social media and TV in wanting a right wing government in power as it benefits the rich who pull the strings.

HAPPY DAZE

 

To be happy is a good thing isn't it? But what does it actually mean? Yes family and friends are the greatest paths to happiness but there are other intangibles

An empty cinema in the afternoon -The joy of solitude, the lack of rustling of snack packets, the absence of phone screens piercing the darkness, none of the irritating talking. Pure bliss

Sunshine - the heat on your skin, the warm air and bright sky

Roast Chicken - Succulent, crispy, moreish

A glass of Ale - Forget your lagers and your ciders, a mouthful of ale refreshes the parts other drinks cannot reach

New socks - A fresh pair of Paul Smith socks on your showered and dried feet feels like slipping into a warm foot bath.

Finishing a good book - When you have turned the last page and close the book that you have spent a good while absorbing yourself into, that feeling of completion and satisfaction (preferably on holiday)

Fresh sheets - Its remarkable that the freshness of the sheet can bring such pleasure, crisp and cool to the touch

The 39 Steps (1935) - Hitchcock's spy caper is a rollicking yarn that is a pure joy from beginning to end. I watch it at least twice a year and it always makes me happy

The Arsenal - Win, lose or draw The Arsenal is not only a football club it's a common love, its a shared experience, and when The Arsenal win a warm glow lingers and a sense of pride and belonging takes hold. It's remarkable how an entity can bring such joy. 

Sitting in the shade of a tree - This pastime takes you away from things for a while. A chance to relax, look up at the clouds and feel the cool earth beneath you; highly recommended as a diversion from getting work done.

I'm sure everyone has their own list of things that make them happy, and each list willl be different. My advice, dear reader, is to stop whatever you are doing and go and do sometrhimng that makes you happy. Go on, do it now, you know it makes sense.

DON'T DAWDLE

 

Dawdling, this is something that drives me to distraction. Some days it seems as if everybody is at it. They get in my way, they dwell at doorways, dither at the till, they prevaricate at the cashpoint, they block the escalators, and they wander at the way in.

The Dawdler is in sharp contrast to the overactive spindly addict dashing to get their next fix like Usain Bolt on roller skates; the Tortoise and the Hare springs to mind.

Is dawdling a result of being in one’s own world? Be it the headphones or the loud mobile phone conversation, there has to be a reason for, this now, common high street scenario.

I remember in my earlier years walking down a crowded Oxford Street with the throng all seeming to know where they were going. Yes, you would get the odd bad pedestrian who would suddenly and sharply hit the brakes leading to collision, but by and large dawdling was at a minimum.

People looked where they were going, they listened, they paid attention to their surroundings, whereas now it’s all about the internal self rather than the world outside.

The bar dawdler is another creature that needs to face extinction. They get in the way of thirsty customers and try the patience of beleaguered bar staff, it shouldn't be too hard to choose a drink and order it without going through a complete list of the drinks available, or make a choice between Cheese & Onion and Salt and vinegar crisps or pork scratchings.

Mind you, this infuriating craze that has taken the pub world by storm of queuing up should be ridden out of town. It's pointless and actually makes bar staff work harder. Don't be a queuer.

I saw a clip on social media of a new trend in which idiotic attention seekers stand at the bottom of escalators blocking their fellow travellers way.This is moronic, dangerous and just plain annoying. Dawdling turned into performative nonsense.

Just remember, don't dawdle people, its not clever and its not funny.

PEACE

All I want is a bit of peace, that’s all, not too much to ask for is it

I’m talking about peace and quiet, that all too rare commodity in today’s world. We, as a culture, have been bombarded with sound. All day, every day we are aurally assaulted by sounds that actually have no relevance to us, sounds that infringe on our tranquil state.

On small screens there are commercials that always seem much louder than the programme that you are watching. YouTube has commercials popping up at an increasingly rapid rate. If you don’t want these constant interruptions you can pay to go “ad free”, yes pay for not having to listen to things that you have not asked to hear.

There are other sounds that are inflicted upon our unsuspecting lug holes such as the loud music played from passing cars. It is an immutable law that the volume of the music blasting out of a vehicle is inversely proportionate to the quality of the music, its never Bowie or Stevie Wonder or Miles Davis or Mozart, is it?

Beef is another decibel distraction. When I say “beef” I will point you to the Urban Dictionary: "beef" refers to a dispute, a grudge, or a prolonged argument between two or more people. Having a loud beefing session over the phone is now as ubiquitous as the sound of fireworks on November 5th. Why people feel the need to have beef -ups so publicly is beyond me. I think it’s probably the belief that if you lead a quiet life, you aren’t Instagram worthy or something like that.

To paraphrase the title of one of the great Hammer Horror films Cheap Headphones And Ear Buds Must Be Destroyed! If I want to hear the high-pitched buzzing from the hearing device of a commuter listening to MC Shizzle Boink featuring DJ Thrust, I’d put my head in a wasp’s nest as it would be far less painful.

Having just been on holiday I have had a taste of the quiet life. The joy of silence, the pleasure of peace, the thrill of tranquillity, the ability to do and say nothing, that we take for granted are amplified when you have a break from the chaos of the City’ aural experience.

The modern obsession is to fill in silences for the sake of it. Never has the saying “if you have nothing to say don’t say anything” been more appropriate.

My advice gentle reader is to find some time for silence, some time to simply sit in peace and quiet and reset your brain. There’s plenty of time for noise, plenty of time for music , plenty of time for discourse and not enough time for silence, unless you make the time.