A POST HIBERNATION POST

As the lockdown evolves and changes are on the horizon here's a handy guide of what to look for in the coming weeks and months as our forced hibernations come to an end and we the seeds of normality begin to sprout

The first man to have a drink after lockdown. We will see a news feature about the first man to haver a pint after the pubs reopen. His name will be Tony and he'll sup his landmark pint of John Smith's at a Wetherspoons in St Albans at 8.00am 

He'll be wearing a fisherman's waistcoat with a pair of glasses on a string around his neck. he'll also be sporting a beard and combat trousers.

An increase in discarded Nitrous Oxide Canisters. A return to the days of lockdown 1 will see the return of these used silver capsules clogging the inside lane of roads throughout the country as users emerge blinking from their bedrooms for a bit of communal happy gas ingestion.

Crowded commuter trains. Social distancing will go out of the window at the first opportunity as short memories kick into action. The need to get back to work will be offset by the need to cram, sardine like into the carriages of a dismal rail service.

The daytime drinking boom. As people reconnect in pub gardens there will be a surge in drink orders as the public gorge themselves on ice cold pints, refreshing shorts and crisp Pinot Grigios. For those still on furlough this offers the opportunity to get paralytic by 4.00 pm before realising that drinks are considerably cheaper when bought from the supermarket.

Moaning about being too busy. After months of inactivity and boredom there will be a new era of complaining about being back at work. The sound of "Christ! I wish I was back at home on the sofa watching Ready Steady Cook" will be heard the length and breadth of Britain's workplaces. The exclamation of "I really need a holiday" will also ring out loud and clear.

A crazy June. With the proposed return to 'normality' in June coinciding with The European Championships its quite simply going to be the greatest excuse for complete mayhem since VE day. Late night kebab consumption, back seats of  Ubers covered in vomit, fast food emporium stabbings and night bus rampages lay ahead as the United Kingdom raises it's collective skirt and does a celebratory jig that lasts all month.

All this and more awaits us in the brave new world of post Covid Britain. Hooray!